Rewrite - #1
Posted: 6/25/2008
Written By: Matt
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Here's a little game. Fix my writing. Be nice, maybe next time we'll be fixing yours.
This is how it works. I'll choose a selection from one of our chapters and let you all take a swing a making it better. I'm tempted to take the selection from Dark Waters, where I use brilliant words like "If'n", but that would be far too easy. I would rather make you work for it even if'n just a little bit.
This one comes from my third chapter of Nightingale. At the time I wrote them, I really liked these paragraphs. They have good alliteration, they are lighthearted, and the long second sentence slow the pace so the reader has a chance to settle in to a 1940s London pub. Also, coming off of Dan's second chapter, I liked the opening line as a subtle tease against my partner. I amused myself with it anyway.
After reading it again, however, I'm sure you can do better.
Show me.
“That’s the poorest writing I have ever heard.” She sat behind a tall table in a darkened corner of a side-street pub, swirling a stir straw through the ice cubes at the bottom of her empty glass, peering at him with a playful smile. Candlelight danced in her dark eyes. Her London accent enchanted his young American ears. “You won’t try to be a writer when you go home, will you?” she asked. “Promise me, Montgomery. It really would be an offense against the arts.”
Montgomery laughed heartily, intoxicated by both the woman and the strong British lager. “Hardly,” he said, too loudly. “I bet it will sell in Glenshaw!”
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